ya dads aren't the best wingmen
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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