who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
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You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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