i think i have two assholes
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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