If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
