I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
