He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
