My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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