My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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