You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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