Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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