Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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