I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
