My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
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