There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
