i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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