But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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