i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
