He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
