I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
