Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
