her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
