I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
