tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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