i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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