Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
