Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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