the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
