Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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