I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
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Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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