Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
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