Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
