Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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