I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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