Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
