I puked a lego.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
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He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
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My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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