I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
