Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
