My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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