hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
