12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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