I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize