so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
