Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
