Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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