I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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