I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
