i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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