i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
