Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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