Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
