I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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